Monday, July 09, 2007

Defending my baby

Well, holy shit. This must be what it feels like when your child grows up to be a mega super star and you're sitting on the couch thinking, "I am WAAAYYYYY more fun. And witty...and intelligent, and better looking, too."

Yeah, I'm talking about True Wife Confessions. The baby blog that could. My little "ha-ha, wouldn't it be funny to open this up to the world?" blog.

And now? Friends, it gets thousands of hits a day. Which is fine. It is what it is - entertainment, for some. But for others? I think it is really cathartic. Cathartic in the way that talking about post partum depression has been cathartic for me. The realization that everyone has issues that we don't talk about. That marriage and relationships are HARD, much harder than most of us ever thought. That over time things build up. Hurts develop. Needs and wants change. The person who you married is no longer the same person, but neither are you.

What has upset me is the "holier than thou" shit that I have seen come up around the entries. Partly, I should stop tracking back in Sitemeter to see where people are coming from. Then, of course, I wouldn't have to read the comments. The "These women are so sad" kind of things. The "Don't they know that communication would solve all their problems instead of posting them on the web, Don't you feel so SAD for them?", "My husband is the best cause he changes diapers and gives me orgasm's every night."

Ahem. Fuck you. You are the future Uber-Mom's and to you, I say again. Fuck you. Keep your marriage and motherhood smackdowns to yourself. Did I mention the fuck you?

I have been with my husband for 15 years. I can assure you all that I - and every other bride on the face of the earth - did not look at their spouse that day and think "Some day I will want to stab you for sleeping through another night of endless screaming of the baby". That some day will come and you think, "Is this it? This is what is has become? Dishes, meals, laundry, getting kids to school, starting over again in the morning."

If every day of your married life is sunshine and joy, than I call you a liar. Or the possessor of VERY good drugs. Or Katie Holmes.

The women who are sending in their confessions don't need another woman's pity. We have enough of that shit from every other corner, and it is just another facet of the woman against woman relational aggression we have been socialized to perpetrate.

They don't need solutions. They are pretty clear about the issue.

They just need a Space. A space to say it , out loud. To set it out into the world and release some of the power from the thought. Kind of like my visits with my therapist. I can say outrageous things. I hate being a mother. I hate my mother. I hate my husband. I sometimes hate my child.

And then, I can get on with it. Once all the dark shit is out, the light can shine in and you can go forward.

That is what I wish for True Wife Confessions. A place to purge the dark so the light can shine in. That is why I want it treated like a sacred space. A therapists office. A place where you can say the things that are eating away at you, so that you can move forward.

And Uber Mom's and Non-Mom's. Stay the fuck out of the sacred space. Until you need it. Then come on in and pull up a chair. We've already forgiven you for not knowing how hard it all is.

originally published on I am doing the best I can on 06/27/2006


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